The truth is in the, er, appliances??

Good morning, class.

As you’ll recall, we’re in the middle of our unit on the American oleh, and today we’re going to learn how to figure out which year an oleh arrived in Israel.

Now, as we’ve discussed many times, there are many clues which can give us a general idea:

• What is the ratio of Heblish to English in the oleh’s speech?
• Are his clothes and shoes mostly Israeli or mostly American?
• Is he willing and able to ask personal questions?
• How late does he arrive at smachot?
• Does he say “Shabbos” or “Shabbat”?
• How well has he mastered the Official Israeli Double Simcha Kiss^TM?

And so on.

The answers to these questions should help you determine whether the oleh is just off the boat or else a veteran Israeli.

But what should you do if you want to know the exact year he arrived?

No problem.

Get yourself invited to his home*, and check out his… household appliances.

Yes, you read that correctly.

You see, everyone who made aliyah in a given year has the exact. same. major appliances.

For instance, anyone who made aliyah from the US circa 1998 – as we did – probably brought most or all of the following items on their lift:

1. A Maytag washer and dryer
2. An Admiral (or Maytag or Magic Chef) self-cleaning gas stove (More on this oven coming soon...)
3. A GE Profile refrigerator
4. A Miele dishwasher

Feel free to try this [more or less] fail-safe technique* for accurately guessing an oleh’s aliyah date.

You’ll be the hit of the party as you amaze your friends and relatives with your uncanny abilities…

_________

* Void where prohibited. The Our Shiputzim management is neither responsible nor liable for any adverse results or undesirable outcomes. :-)

News from around the J-Blogosphere

1) The latest edition of Haveil Havalim is available here. Special thanks to Artzeinu for including my alternate blog names post.

BTW, be sure to check out the comment section for more great name suggestions. In fact, in addition to all the very funny ideas listed there, commenter and guest blogger Malke had a serious one: “Shirbutim” (שירבוטים –  literally, doodles or scribbles) – which is what I’d probably use if I ever did decide to change the blog name for real…

2) The latest Kosher Cooking Carnival is available here. Special thanks to Mimi, who not only included my sweet and sour meatballs post but also inspired me to write it in the first place!

Heblish: “I’m going to have to sit down for that” edition

Shavua tov!

The Our Shiputzim Complaints Department has officially notified me that many of our readers aren’t pleased.

Apparently, they’re annoyed that not only haven’t I blogged since last Tuesday, but it’s been over two months since my last Heblish post.

Mea culpa.

But before I get around to rectifying this inexcusable lapse, commenter and guest blogger Malke submitted the following:

“My son was quoting from some parshan (commentator) that ‘אין שמחה אלא בישיבת ארץ ישראל’ (‘there’s no joy unless one dwells in Eretz Yisrael’), and so he explained that, ‘we can’t be truly happy unless we're sitting in Eretz Yisrael.’  Because, you see, if we happen to be standing, it's just not the same…”

And now, without further ado, here’s yet another batch of entries from the Official Our Shiputzim Heblish-English Dictionary:

Go over a [negative] mitzvah: Hebrew source – לעבור על לאו. English definition – Transgress a negative mitzvah. Sample usage - “If you eat bread on Pesach, you go over the issur of eating chametz.”

In X shekel: Hebrew source – שקל X-ב. English definition – For X shekels; at X shekels. Sample usage – “That store is having a sale. They’re selling tops in 20 shekels.”

In its place: Hebrew source – במקום. English definition –Appropriate. Sample usage – “His comment was in its place.”

Scared from: Hebrew source – …לפחד מ. English definition – Scared of. Sample usage – “On my way to school, I passed a big dog, and I was scared from it.”

Dots: Hebrew source – נקודות. English definition – Points. Sample usage – “I had seven dots, but she had ten dots. So, she won the game.”

Previous Heblish editions are available here: Heblish I, Heblish II, Heblish III, Heblish IV, Heblish V, Heblish VI, and Heblish VII.

A blog by any other name

The problem with having “an irrelevant and misleading” [see sidebar at right] blog name is that it’s, well, irrelevant and misleading.

But adopting a new moniker at this stage of the game isn’t as easy as a hop, skip, and a mouse click either.

I mean, what about brand recognition? What about the legions of worldwide fans? What about all those water cooler discussions about the latest post? What about--

Yeah.

I guess I can change this blog’s name after all…

So, here are some of the shortlisted suggestions*:

• Our Shipudim – The life and times of an early 21st century carnivore
• Our Shikorim – The life and times of an early 21st century drunk
• Our Shikulim – The life and times of an early 21st century weight watcher
• Our Shizufim – The life and times of an early 21st century beach bum
• Our Shidurim – The life and times of an early 21st century television personality
• Our Shiputim – The life and times of an early 21st century referee
• Our Shivukim – The life and times of an early 21st century retailer
• Our Siddurim – The life and times of an early 21st century florist
• Our Shidduchim – The life and times of an early 21st century matchmaker
• Our Shibutim – The life and times of an early 21st century mad scientist

Let me know what you think about these ideas, and please feel free to add a few more of your own.

_____

* Glossary:

• Shipudim – שיפודים – Skewers
• Shikorim – שיכורים - Drunkards
• Shikulim – שיקולים – Weighing (plural)
• Shizufim – שיזופים – Suntans
• Shidurim – שידורים - Broadcasts
• Shiputim – שיפוטים – Judgment calls
• Shivukim – שיווקים – Marketing (plural)
• Siddurim – סידורים - Arrangements
• Shidduchim – שידוכים - Matches
• Shibutim – שיבוטים – Cloning (plural) 

Mazal tov: Bar mitzvah edition

The entire Our Shiputzim staff extends

a very warm mazal tov to

commenter and guest blogger

Miriam and her dear family

on yesterday’s beautiful bar mitzvah celebration

at the Kotel.

The bar mitzvah boy did a wonderful job, and we look forward to the rest of the festivities on Shabbat IY”H.

Mazal tov also to all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

HH and Learning Torah with ACSC

Two unrelated items:

1) The latest edition of Haveil Havalim is available here. Special thanks to Phyllis for including my description of our trip to Caesarea.

2) Last night I was originally supposed to attend the blogger’s get-together in Petach Tikva.

However, instead, I ended up spending the evening learning Rashi on Parshat Breishit with a certain Shiputzim child (ACSC).

After we finished learning, ACSC graciously and sweetly thanked me and then added:

“Actually, Imma, it’s for your own good that you didn’t get to go to that blogging thing. Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to go to strangers’ houses? I mean, what would you have done if they’d offered you candy…”

In any event, I really enjoyed our marathon learning session. Not only was it great to have an opportunity to learn the parsha, but ACSC always asks thought-provoking questions and has many intelligent insights to share.

So, thank you, ACSC, and shavua tov and chodesh tov to all!

National parks: Caesarea edition

About a year or two after we made aliyah, the Shiputzim Family Legislature (read: YZG and I) enacted an iron-clad ban on driving up North during chol hamo’ed.

Suffice it to say that we had several bad experiences sitting in traffic around Tel Aviv.

Indeed, even after Kvish 6 (the Trans-Israel Highway) opened, we were still wary.

But this year, our determination to hit as many national parks as possible prompted us to bite the bullet and brave the holiday hordes.

And so, first thing one fine chol hamo’ed morning, we set out for Caesarea.

The site’s numerous attractions include the well-preserved ruins (click here to read about the funny thing that happened on the way to the forum amphitheater); a movie about the ancient city’s history; an interactive exhibit where one can “speak” (via computer) to actors portraying many of the historical figures associated with Caesarea; and, of course, the bright blue ocean.

As always, click on the pictures for a closer view.

But, arguably, the highlight was the equestrian show in the remains of the Roman hippodrome.

To say that this show was the height of kitsch is putting it mildly.

First of all, there were riders dressed like Roman soldiers, complete with gaudy red costumes and what looked like brightly colored plastic brooms on their helmets. As these soldiers entered the arena, the loudspeakers blared the “Back to the Future” theme.

Also, the confusing and highly anachronistic storyline involved Herod’s daughter, a traitorous Roman legionary, and even a pirate.

And yet…

I actually found myself moved to tears.

Because right there, in the middle of the destroyed hippodrome – once the ultimate symbol of the Roman Empire’s might, hegemony, and cruelty – the modern Jewish actors proudly carried an Israeli flag: 

!עם ישראל חי

Am Yisrael Chai!

HH and History Comes Alive In Caesarea

Two unrelated blogbits:

1) The latest edition of Haveil Havalim is available here. Special thanks to Jack for including my “everything you ever wanted to know about using your car’s sunroof as a succah but were afraid to ask” post.

2) As we were entering the Roman amphitheater during our chol hamo’ed visit to Caesarea (B”N, much more on this trip in a future post), I overheard an American girl gush excitedly to one of her companions:

“This is exactly where he was!”

Naively, I assumed she was referring to R’ Akiva or perhaps to some other important historical figure.

But then the young scholar continued:

“This is exactly where Shwekey had his concert!”

Her teachers must be so proud…